Parenthood – the scariest ‘hood’ of all


India Morris has uncovered some disturbing information about our ‘little bundles of joy’, and she’s not afraid to tell it how it is…

In today’s crazy global political climate we’re seeing a lot of focus on who and/or what might be threatening our way of life. The politicians in the media tell us to fear refugees and welfare recipients; the conspiracy theorists are flooding our feeds with warnings about chemtrails and falling off a flat earth and the hippies are terrified of climate change, politicians and the media. All of these things (including banks and alien invasions of course) may pose some kind of threat to us in their own way, but I fear we are being blindsided with some kind of divisive scapegoating technique designed to distract us from the REAL threat to our way of life. Children, my friends, children.

Now before you get all defensive about your lovely bundles of spirited joy, I can assure you that I am not some kind of child hater. Nor is this another column written by an undervalued mother, smashing out the injustices of her thankless labours on her keyboard and getting nothing in return but a cute hashtag …but solidarity to you, Sisters #valium. I genuinely think children are lovely. It’s just that I have been paying close attention lately and I am pretty sure they are also terrorists.

I know this is going to take some convincing so I will just put my observations here:

  • Anecdotal accounts from anyone who have children attest to the fact that they arrive in our country and completely change our way of life.
  • They use well-known torture techniques like sleep deprivation and panoptic style surveillance methods to disorientate you and break your will. They will even go so far as to watch you on the toilet.
  • Children have grown up to successfully invade, conquer and take control of every corner of every single country in the world.
  • Those who have children begin to identify with their captors. A process that is encouraged by other captives of children in what can only be described as some kind of globalised Stockholm Syndrome.
  • The government has obviously known about the dangers of children for years. Why else would they go to such great lengths to oppress and dispossess everyone who is young of all their rights and opportunities? They clearly need to protect us from this terrible threat to all we hold dear.
  • frathouse


So there it is. Hard to argue with evidence this compelling. Oh, I know we like to think we’re in control. We kid ourselves that we’re teaching them things, that we’re instilling in them values that align with our own and that in time they’ll realise our wisdom – just as we did with our parents …right? Well, I don’t know about you but I certainly never realised my parents’ wisdom. I nod politely when they tell me how to live and think it’s downright hilarious watching them get all freaked out over microwave oven technology. Children don’t come around to our wisdom. They obliterate it and replace it with their own.

That’s right my friends and allies in the aging population, Millennials have become more relevant than you and me. Oh, they will let us believe that we still have some influence in the world for now. They’ll let us think it’s us mocking them while they secretly laugh at our out-of-date thinking, our weird social etiquette and bizarre turmeric free coffees. And, as if that isn’t bad enough, those gorgeously small, big eyed, nappy wearing overlords, screaming blue murder because you threw away that piece of Lego that the dog chewed on for three weeks? Those little spies will, in our lifetime, take over parliament and put themselves in charge of our aged care pension policies. Yep. After they complete the slow, insidious but completely inevitable erosion of our values and our relevance they will take over the world and there is not a goddamn thing you can do to stop it.

So be nice to your children and think twice before mocking a Millennial because, before you know what’s happening, they won’t just walk around like they own the place, they WILL own it.









Leave a Reply